Addiction

-Addiction-

 

Empty coffee mugs

Sit on my coffee table

And slight electronic music with the taste of

Trip hop rings in the room;

I can’t sleep.

 

Effortlessly you

Have kept me up again

With yet another disappointment of

A day behind me

All I can think of

Is the biggest disappointment of all.

 

Where did it all go wrong and

Why do I have

Constant reminders hit me

When I least expect it

When I least want it

When I least need it

 

I look up the chords to ‘unchained melody’ and

Think of you

 

Why do I do this to myself?

It’s worse than the caffeine addiction that I’ll never win.

It’s like a cat chasing the residual cat nip

From ten years ago.

She still thinks

Something is

There.

 

9/10/14

1:42am

 

this song was playing when i wrote this poem. check it out. play it as you re-read my words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcu1AHaTchM&feature=youtu.be

 

FUMES

-FUMES-

I am afraid of your fumes

That I keep soaking up

Behind your truck

Long gone from

Where I am right now.

 

I am afraid of

Myself and how I have

Gotten attached to the

Only toxins you have to offer me

(the sweetness ran out

years ago, though

you’ve thrown me a

hard candy

every once in a while)

 

I am afraid that

Those fumes will

Keep haunting me

No matter how far away you drive

 

I am afraid that

My broken heart has

Nothing left to

Mend itself because

Of the smoke that

Enwraps my dreams

 

I suck on those fumes like

You suck on your cigarette;

The only light in

Your dreams.

 

Each will kill us.

 

9-8-14

5:28pm

These Thoughts

 

-These Thoughts-

 

These thoughts

Are like cancer;

Prominent yet

Subdued

 

Intertwining themselves in the

Back of my mind like

Snakes hungry for more

 

Five years

Over five years with this pain

Physical too

From the sickness feeling

I get from these words that

Still haunt me

And the feelings still yet to

Be fully uncovered

 

Physical ailments met with

Physical action that

Need to take place

Dredge up these thoughts

 

Even if the physical cancer is

Gone for now

These thoughts dominant,

Will forever be a scar

 

My face shows it;

The scar…but

Not by any marks upon my smooth skin but

Rather by the lack of smile I

Display upon my face.

 

These thoughts are like cancer

These thoughts will

Be my death if

Not to be dealt with.

 

Like a pack of cards ill

Go and

Pick them up

And deal with them

One by one.

 

10:55pm

8-1-14

 

A Month

 

“___A Month___”

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you last

Broke my heart?

A month since you drove me

To that train station

For the final time?

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you said

‘see you later’ and then

Told me Good bye

Forever (?) again.

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since your eyes

Traced my every movement as

I searched for a seat

To quietly cry

Blasting the music into my ears so

I couldn’t hear my thoughts too well

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since we last met eyes,

A month since you last told me not to

Cry for you

And a month since I listened

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you last told me that

I never had to fear anything because

You were right by my side

 

A month since we last had

Any kind of

I should be so lucky (?)

To receive that email

You promised to send

 

A month since we last sat

Across the table from each other

Eating our last meal

Together

A month since our

Last picture together?

Within it you looked so sad.

Was it because you missed me already?

Has it been a month?

A month since you received that

Horrible message upon waking,

Telling you that

Your grandmother had died

On the same day that

You had to say good bye to me

Forever (?)

A month ago since you told me that

You didn’t feel at peace like you usually do

When you find out about a death?

A month ago since you science me as

I started to inquire…

So I’ll finish the question now

 

Does your incomplete peacefulness

Come from something around that death

Or ours?

 

Has it been a month since

All of that?

For the first time,

I’ve lost count.

 

5-22-14

1:38pm