Your Heart in My Hand

i own this image

-Your Heart in My Hand-

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep clenching It

Causing your lips to

Go quiet and

Your mind to race

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep It alive

Though sometimes

You fail to notice

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep hoping that

Someday you’ll

Realize that this

Is where It’s

Supposed to be

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep It close to mine

Because It needs protection

From the terrors

Of this big bad world

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep wondering when

You’ll give in.

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

There It will stay

Because I know

You will come

Back to me

Someday

 

4-14-14

6:08pm

 

Our Road

i own this image.

-Our Road-

 

There were yellow lights

All the way home

Even when I didn’t care to

Think about you, but

I had to.

Those yellow enticing lights….

 

I ran those yellow lights

In an effort to make it stop,

Long ago and yet

Those stunning yellow lights

Shone through.

 

Last time you pretended to

Put a stop sign in the middle of

Our road

Making it clear that

I had to follow the

Orange detour

Forgetting about you but

Remembering you at

Every turn.

 

And then

You showed up

Another yellow light

Came back to haunt me as

You told me you

Had to stop

At a red light that

Came up, not meaning to

Hit you but

Of course it did.

 

It moved you

The timing, the place

The random shot of red light

Showing in your window

You thought you had tacked those

Binds of yours

Down tight but

That red light

Was too intense to

Fight anymore.

 

I made you a believer and yet

You still choose to

Act in your yellow light ways

Have you ever thought of

What this does to me?

 

There must have been a crash that

I didn’t hear about

On the traffic report

Have you been reading mine?

 

Our road appears to be open again but

Not without its road blocks along the way

Will there be more yellow lights? Red lights that

Cause our attention to stray?

Guess I’ll get out my map this time

I’m sick of this game.

 

4-7-14

2:02pm

Come Back To Me

-Come Back to Me-

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that

Leaving me,

(Leaving us)

Was a mistake?

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that you

Were the happiest when

I was at your side?

 

The fact that

Our love will

Not die and that This

Will never

Get resolved by

Being apart from

One another?

 

Have you figured

It out yet?

The fact that

No time or

Distance will mend

That growing,

Aching feeling we have?

(Don’t ignore it.)

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

That I’ll always be

On your mind

And that you

Do

Want to Forgive those

Things from the past because

You know that

We are meant to be.

 

Have you figured

It out yet?

I need you to(o).

My everything aches and

I can only hide this

Feeling from myself

For so long….

(– Your phone rings–)

 

Have you figured it out

Yet?

That we will

Always love each other

And will never

Be able to move on?

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that I am here

Fighting for you

(Like you fought for me)

 

I am a different person now….

Someone you do(n’t) know, and

Someone who has grown.

Please,

Don’t be mad at me for

Who I am not

Anymore.

 

Have you figured it out yet?

Please,

Come back to me.

 

March 17th – March 19, 2014,

11:08pm

Home is Calling

i own this image.

-Home is Calling-

 

Grains of sand stick between toes as

Pitter-pattering freezing rain

Calls your aching soul.

Over-consumed shores once so pure

Sting from zirconium diamonds

Dotting edges of pure life,

Seeping with fat flesh

Floating within its body

 

Close your eyes and

Float back to how it once was.

Can you hear the oceans truest voice

Rising against the noise?

Soft and tattered breezes wind themselves

Around your ears, straining to hear

What yesteryear had to offer.

 

Cravings of snow, and cool drops upon

A sunburned face, fill a night’s dream.

The airmail hasn’t arrived yet

But you feel it coming

Anticipating it like a soft caress

From a falcons feather

 

Expected glee turned into a need to

Flee from what was

Torn down by

Sharp plastic facets,

Glittering.

 

Home calls in the distance.

A deep yearning entwines itself

Within an Inner strength.

Though you’ve been cut,

Inviting raindrops soon

Repair your tortured soul…

 

Welcome Home.

 

 

 

6:32pm

2-20-14

The Beginning Stages of Love; An ADHD-ers Point of View

I own this image.

Having a new love interest: what torture! Does anyone else who has adhd relate to this situation? You meet someone, possibly not even in person, (like on a dating website) and you feel a great connection with them, and therefore you get all excited about it, and -in your head- begin living out what could be, in your every thought throughout the day. When you talk to them, you’re so intense sometimes, because of the excitement of possibilities, the wonderment of if it could actually happen for the two of you.

This intensity has an ugly head though; the obsession and fixation that comes along with excitement is stifling and can end up hurting what you want to happen most. Finding love is a hard task for anyone. Then throw in the aspects that come with having adhd, and it seems nerely impossible within the beginning stages. The ‘what could be’ is like a wonderful and yet agonizing condition that one falls into without the smallest effort. It happens with other things too: (the built up excitement of a movie coming out, or looking forward to a solo vacation). Though, these kinds of things are not as bad to get excited about, and this is because your excitement about them only involves you.

Sure, your vacation might be ruined on the account of horrible weather, and that film that you were dying to see was sold out for the entire first week of its premiere, and then when you finally got to see it, the story of what it was going to be like, that you built up in your head was torn down by the reality of the film turning out to be a flop. You are the only one whose feelings are affected. You can handle the disappointment and get over it. With a love interest though, it’s excitement on your part as well as the other person’s feelings about the possibility of you two hitting it off, that is to say, if they are even interested in you.

Now imagine that kind of excitement you feel for someone you like, that kind of build-up, but then with an obsessive spice, completing that meal. This here is the beginning stages of love for a person who has adhd. It is nearly impossible to eat this meal, enjoy it and not feel the aftereffects of it, leading you and your love interest to feel sick. It’s the fixation, and the obsession that can sabotage it all. Not only does this spice take over your being, but it also negatively affects the person whom you are interested in.

Love for people who have adhd is something that I dream of, something that I wish upon the moon and stars for, and something that is very challenging to actually achieve. It’s floating up in a hot air balloon with nearly too many sand bags that you, yourself tied on because you don’t know how else to just let go and enjoy the ride. The beginning steps are so torturous, because we see these mountains that we would like to view from a bird’s eye view, but in preparation, we put too much in our little basket, almost unavoidably weighing our balloons down too low.

This is something I have struggled with in all my years of feeling love for someone I wanted to end up with. Many of my relationships, when in the first stages, (keep you up at night, making it impossible to think of anything else but the person of your interest)—these stages have been some of the worst. And if I finally end up being with the person I am interested in at the time, that one moment where I am asked to be someone’s girlfriend, is a sigh of relief enwrapping me in complete bliss. It’s comparable to a huge test you’ve studied for, one that will determine the way a significant part of your life will go, and studying for it non-stop, taking the test, waiting a few weeks for your results, and then finally finding out that you got the score you wanted. You can finally breath easily again.

Why does love have to start out this way for me? It’s always been a sort of task, a chore that I never choose but naturally throw myself into, often so hard, and against the better judgment to take things easy, and let them happen. The distress, magic, and unknown of the beginning is something I wish wasn’t so hard to handle.

Feb. 14th, 2014

4:06am

“Tell me Your Life Story”

Him: Tell me your life story.

Me: …. I don’t know where to begin

There is a lot of loss

A lot of tragedy

A lot of effort put towards things that just fall apart.

They say that what doesn’t kill you make you stronger…. but I feel like things just keep hitting me… and that I have long ago been strong enough

From all this pain though, I gain inspiration

For my art

For my poetry

And somehow I keep moving, growing. As if I was that one seedling growing within the crack in the asphalt.

I have learned to look to the sun, but not too much because otherwise ill burn

I’ve learned not to turn my sorrows into the water which will flood my roots and wash me away

I’ve learned to count on myself, no matter how lonely it may be at times.

And focus on the flower I am, and will become

Stones may be thrown,

Lawn mowers may cut me down

But I still have my roots; my inner strength I must have been born with, for, I was under the immensity of those forces against the good from the start

And because of that, many didn’t know/don’t know what to do with me.

I live on a different plane

In a world with the deepest oceans, and the highest skies

With the potential of beauty at every turn

And a strive for freedom from that which bounds me

And wraps me up, in an effort to keep me within a mold that i don’t belong

I didn’t come from a mold. I came from something unlike any other

Bits and pieces become more and more clear to me. I have said good bye to London, without even having to travel there.

I have intermingled with Italy where the sun hits the earth at just the right place, and too, said farewell

I have pranced among the many fields of France, wanting to believe that they were to be within this life of mine, only to discover that they were from many lives before.

And I have wondered about Alaska…

And still haven’t found peace with it yet;

I was an ice queen. It’s where I get my wit, my strength, and my will to go on. It’s the power I employ upon others, so they can see themselves for who they really are…

It’s my me.

It’s the continuation of my purpose in life: to enlighten others, bring them to their truth, and give them strength so they too, can go on and not only experience this life we have now, but truly live it.

I’ve seen, heard of, been through, and helped others through almost all of it.

And hardly anything fazes me, yet, I meet it with the compassion of virgin eyes,

Always willing to help at a beckoned call.

Though I have yet to find that for myself.

An appetite for adventure and realer than real experiences are what I live for.

—-***********—-

Within the words of metaphors, I express myself far better than if I were to spell it all out.

I am nomadic (in the sense of hopping from one life to another, and still am able to live these 25 years and so on all stringing it together, making sense of most of it, but still leaving a bit of mystery for myself).

I am not like many. But i don’t let that go to my head either.

I take people and things as they are, for who they are, and let it be….

And if there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that you have never experienced someone until they break down all the walls that I see through, truly letting them be themselves, without worry of the flood drowning them, or the sun burning their backs.

And that is a sacred and privileged place.

I share this place of mine with many, and my genuine nature scares them off, if they are not ready to go there with themselves.

Though, I feel as if I have intrigued you rather than sending you running for the rocky hills.

Him: Yes certainly. I think you are a beautiful soul.

Me: And I trust that you’ve been able to keep up in your canoe upon my river

No matter how choppy it may be

Him: I happen to be great at canoeing

Me:  well then, perhaps you won’t be lost from my world

Him: I can see my snow covered canoe from where I am sitting

Me: I am in a canoe right now. And the river’s direction just made a swift and almost unforgiving turn, yet I managed. I always do.

It is both with strife and resourcefulness that I am able. Too, an abundance of strength when I need it most.

______________________________****************________________________________

Him: That’s probably the longest monologue I’ve ever had directed at me. I thought it was wonderful to just sit back and experience your words as they came in

There is definitely something to you

Something intriguing.

__________________________________________________________________________

I haven’t even met this man in person yet, and he was able to bring this out of me. i hope you enjoyed it!

“Tell Me Your Life Story”

(A Happened Upon and Unplanned Occurrence)

By: Feathers of Happenstance

Sunday February 10th, 2014, at 11:38pm

The End

image url: http://img.filmsactu.net/datas/fiches/t/h/the-end/xl/490db6893b381.jpg

-The End-

 

Your words were heavy

Bleeding through the

Final pages of our book.

I knew your message

Before it even left your lips

 

And you could tell…

You were -always- the only one

Who could cut right through my

Glittering bull shit tone

Often used when

Tragedy hits

 

You didn’t want to hurt me.

I should have known.

Your silence days before

Said it all and

I was too hopeful to

Listen to it.

 

You’ve ended us when

I couldn’t put the final words

Upon our leaf-thin pages,

Too long and scattered

Sprinkled with tears,

Cross-outs, tares and

Too much annotation for

Our own good.

 

And so, I said good bye when

You didn’t even have to.

I already knew.

 

1:00am

2-10-14