These Thoughts

 

-These Thoughts-

 

These thoughts

Are like cancer;

Prominent yet

Subdued

 

Intertwining themselves in the

Back of my mind like

Snakes hungry for more

 

Five years

Over five years with this pain

Physical too

From the sickness feeling

I get from these words that

Still haunt me

And the feelings still yet to

Be fully uncovered

 

Physical ailments met with

Physical action that

Need to take place

Dredge up these thoughts

 

Even if the physical cancer is

Gone for now

These thoughts dominant,

Will forever be a scar

 

My face shows it;

The scar…but

Not by any marks upon my smooth skin but

Rather by the lack of smile I

Display upon my face.

 

These thoughts are like cancer

These thoughts will

Be my death if

Not to be dealt with.

 

Like a pack of cards ill

Go and

Pick them up

And deal with them

One by one.

 

10:55pm

8-1-14

 

A Month

 

“___A Month___”

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you last

Broke my heart?

A month since you drove me

To that train station

For the final time?

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you said

‘see you later’ and then

Told me Good bye

Forever (?) again.

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since your eyes

Traced my every movement as

I searched for a seat

To quietly cry

Blasting the music into my ears so

I couldn’t hear my thoughts too well

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since we last met eyes,

A month since you last told me not to

Cry for you

And a month since I listened

 

What, has it been a month?

A month since you last told me that

I never had to fear anything because

You were right by my side

 

A month since we last had

Any kind of

I should be so lucky (?)

To receive that email

You promised to send

 

A month since we last sat

Across the table from each other

Eating our last meal

Together

A month since our

Last picture together?

Within it you looked so sad.

Was it because you missed me already?

Has it been a month?

A month since you received that

Horrible message upon waking,

Telling you that

Your grandmother had died

On the same day that

You had to say good bye to me

Forever (?)

A month ago since you told me that

You didn’t feel at peace like you usually do

When you find out about a death?

A month ago since you science me as

I started to inquire…

So I’ll finish the question now

 

Does your incomplete peacefulness

Come from something around that death

Or ours?

 

Has it been a month since

All of that?

For the first time,

I’ve lost count.

 

5-22-14

1:38pm

Your Heart in My Hand

i own this image

-Your Heart in My Hand-

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep clenching It

Causing your lips to

Go quiet and

Your mind to race

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep It alive

Though sometimes

You fail to notice

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep hoping that

Someday you’ll

Realize that this

Is where It’s

Supposed to be

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep It close to mine

Because It needs protection

From the terrors

Of this big bad world

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

I keep wondering when

You’ll give in.

 

I have your heart

In my hand and

There It will stay

Because I know

You will come

Back to me

Someday

 

4-14-14

6:08pm

 

Our Road

i own this image.

-Our Road-

 

There were yellow lights

All the way home

Even when I didn’t care to

Think about you, but

I had to.

Those yellow enticing lights….

 

I ran those yellow lights

In an effort to make it stop,

Long ago and yet

Those stunning yellow lights

Shone through.

 

Last time you pretended to

Put a stop sign in the middle of

Our road

Making it clear that

I had to follow the

Orange detour

Forgetting about you but

Remembering you at

Every turn.

 

And then

You showed up

Another yellow light

Came back to haunt me as

You told me you

Had to stop

At a red light that

Came up, not meaning to

Hit you but

Of course it did.

 

It moved you

The timing, the place

The random shot of red light

Showing in your window

You thought you had tacked those

Binds of yours

Down tight but

That red light

Was too intense to

Fight anymore.

 

I made you a believer and yet

You still choose to

Act in your yellow light ways

Have you ever thought of

What this does to me?

 

There must have been a crash that

I didn’t hear about

On the traffic report

Have you been reading mine?

 

Our road appears to be open again but

Not without its road blocks along the way

Will there be more yellow lights? Red lights that

Cause our attention to stray?

Guess I’ll get out my map this time

I’m sick of this game.

 

4-7-14

2:02pm

Come Back To Me

-Come Back to Me-

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that

Leaving me,

(Leaving us)

Was a mistake?

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that you

Were the happiest when

I was at your side?

 

The fact that

Our love will

Not die and that This

Will never

Get resolved by

Being apart from

One another?

 

Have you figured

It out yet?

The fact that

No time or

Distance will mend

That growing,

Aching feeling we have?

(Don’t ignore it.)

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

That I’ll always be

On your mind

And that you

Do

Want to Forgive those

Things from the past because

You know that

We are meant to be.

 

Have you figured

It out yet?

I need you to(o).

My everything aches and

I can only hide this

Feeling from myself

For so long….

(– Your phone rings–)

 

Have you figured it out

Yet?

That we will

Always love each other

And will never

Be able to move on?

 

Have you

Figured it out yet?

The fact that I am here

Fighting for you

(Like you fought for me)

 

I am a different person now….

Someone you do(n’t) know, and

Someone who has grown.

Please,

Don’t be mad at me for

Who I am not

Anymore.

 

Have you figured it out yet?

Please,

Come back to me.

 

March 17th – March 19, 2014,

11:08pm