Doubled over by the despair i promised myself i would never let invade my soul again,
I fell onto the armchair as soon as i let myself in through the door. heaved over the mound of clothes i had not put away for days, i hyperventilated.
Trying to breathe the right way -slow deep breaths- even that, you had ruined for me. the association of things and places and actions is just too strong when it comes to you. i closed my eyes trying to squeeze out every bit of the tears that were welling up in my eyes. i wanted to get them all out, because i didn’t want to feel this insanity any longer. i had told you good bye, but i knew that in a matter of hours it wouldn’t be the same as how i wanted to mean it. and you couldn’t even say it back. “good luck” is all that fell from your mouth after i had hugged you, squeezing you, trying to hold onto what i had ripped myself away from.
It was just too hard. i couldn’t stand to even look at you for very long. your loving gaze would pull me into an endless stream of salty water pouring from my eyes.
I tried to text you after almost a day of no words exchanged, but of course you had gone back to your usual silence after a bad ‘ending’. it wasn’t an ending. that is the point of us. it’s never an ending . despite you and i experiencing the universe ripping us apart and pulling us back together again, the point is, is that we always ‘end’-up back together again.
I had just gotten used to the sound of the train echoing from it’s body, and similar to how my sounds penetrate into your neighbor’s walls so too does the yearning of the train past the thick glass of my window and through the once sturdy walls of my dwelling. i suck on a piece of dark chocolate and think of how you once put it at the bottom of the white russian you had made me as a suprise, while we watched the fights for the first time, cuddling each other in one another’s arms.
You won’t have a hard time not thinking of me, because your defense and compartmentalization skills are far beyond my capabilities. though, i do not honestly know if that is a good thing. self preservation is a skill one must have but, at what cost?
You tell me that you don’t think of me in select times when we rip apart. But you decorated me this time, adorning me with a ribbon around my neck. loose enough and perfectly placed. the wrinkles in it didn’t matter. And before i left, i placed it around the neck of your little stuffed grover- a place you’ll be sure to notice. it will be harder than the last time for you to forget my presence. the pink residue from my hair dye still decorates your pillowcase and your skin. regular soap won’t do. you have to rub it out with alcohol in hopes of getting rid of me. though you never do so fully.
It will be only a matter of time until the universe puts us back together again. it is this in-between time that gets to me the most. as you are not thinking of me, i am using every once of my being to distract myself from you. and it’s like that poem written so long ago with the message of ‘if you think you’ve realized that you have reached the point of not thinking of a person, well by that realization, you’ve sent yourself back. back exactly to thinking of them’.
I tried to wash your sent away within an hour upon arriving home. a faint sent of you still lingers in my washed hair, just like how you will linger in my mind, and forever in my heart.
There’s a place saved for you there. will you ever be able to take it?
the universe is a cruel thing to us. perhaps it’s only a matter of time until it changes its consistent inconsistency, -a tune that we have grown with- to something that lasts and is truly solid.
I just want you to know that I love you, and too wish you luck in the time we are yet again apart.